I will never forget today. I will never forget the first thing I saw when I woke up and got on Facebook. There was a shooting. At a nightclub. A LGBT+ nightclub. A place for my people to go to get away and feel safe among ourselves. I’ve always felt such a strong bond with the community, but wasn’t sure why or how I fit, other than family members, friends and my own child. I always felt like me. Myself. I was part of this community but at the time, I wasn’t strong enough to figure out how and why.
My heart was in my stomach. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t function for a good amount of time. I sat in my bed in utter shock. How? Why? God, my kid could’ve been there had he been older. A place for us to go and be SAFE. It made no sense to me. By this point, I’d already realized I was identifying as asexual but had yet to tell anyone. I was keeping it in, TERRIFIED it would for some irrational reason, ruin my marriage. I couldn’t live in hiding. I couldn’t parent my child to live out loud, and live honestly and openly if I wasn’t doing the same thing. I couldn’t not follow my own advice.
I made the decision to come out to Sarah…. but not for a few more days. It would take me that long to get the guts up.
The events that unfolded at Pulse will stay with me forever. It’s one of those events that I’ve been through where I will never forget the feelings it brought up inside me. I got in my car to do regular Sunday errands and the first song that came on was See You Again by Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth. It reduced me to tears. I had to pull over and sob. I cried for a good fifteen minutes. It was an inconsolable, ugly cry. One that I would forever remember. To this day, a year later, that song takes me to that place. It makes me feel things very few other songs do, and music drives my soul.
This was the day that forever changed me. Made me realize that I too, had to live authentically. Live as me. I couldn’t tell Morgan to be himself no matter what if I wasn’t doing the same. I had to lead by example. Now, how was this going to go? How would I break the news? I guess you’ll have to wait until Friday to find out.
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