Jenni’s Story… Part One.

So… I’ve always dated guys. Always. But, for some reason, the thought of doing anything “intimate” with one, always freaked me out. Always. I didn’t want to see body parts, I didn’t want to touch body parts- I didn’t want to be in a position where anything was “expected” of me. Ever. Nothing put me more into panic mode than a guy I was dating trying to be “nice” and get us a hotel room/night away. This has always been the case. Even with Sarah when we first got together. I’ve never had a libido. Ever. When the TV show, Friends, made having a “List” popular, you know… the list of celebrities that would be safe to cheat with, I always had my “list” in my head but honestly, all I ever wanted to do was hang out and have coffee. My lack of interest in anything sexual started to affect our marriage. I hit some really depressed points- I remember having weekends where I would just sob on the floor of our closet, thinking something was wrong with me. I got to the point of trying to pinpoint if I had ever been molested or sexually assaulted and just didn’t remember and I couldn’t come up with anything. It was only last year when I was trolling one of the LGBT Facebook groups and found a quiz post titled, “Are You Asexual”. I looked the word up, as I’d never heard it before. Holy crap. That was me. I took the quiz. BINGO. The heavens opened and angels sang. I had an “answer”!

From then, I researched the hell out of it. I think I clicked “yes” for every single question it asked me. For those of you who don’t know what it means to be asexual, it’s a little confusing, but the gist of it is that I don’t find anyone sexually attractive. Sex/typical intimacy isn’t something I want to do. It made sense. It’s why my “list” never involved “doing it”. It’s why I was always so terrified of being alone with someone who may “expect” something… things I should “want” to do with someone I cared about. Some aces are completely repulsed by sex and the like… I’m not. I “enjoy” it and can be ok with it as long as it’s with someone I care about… (OK, this is weird to tell you all) however I’ve NEVER initiated it. I just don’t “need” it. Basically, when given the choice of pizza or “that”, I choose pizza. Every time. No questions asked, and with extra cheese please!

So, now I had an answer. Just because I knew now, it didn’t make it any easier when it came time to tell Sarah. It took me MONTHS. In fact, I learned it about myself in February of 2016, and it took me until June 16th of that year to finally say the words out loud, to her, and even then, it was in the dark, right before bed, with my head under my pillow. I was terrified she’d leave me. TERRIFIED. In retrospect, that’s ridiculous. She was so relieved. She thought it was her, she thought I had some totally crazy past experience that “damaged me”. I’m asexual. Wow. It was a relief, and ever since then, we’ve been great. She’s done her own research and realized that it’s just who I am, and that it has nothing to do with her.

So, that leads me to more… Once we started discussing Sarah’s “things”, the word “transgender” only got actually used in the last year or so, I realized something else… holy crap. I like girls. My crushes on various female actors and singers, all of that… it all made sense! It was ok! Then… guess what… as time as gone on, maybe I’m not as “asexual” as I thought… maybe I’m straight up GAY. I realized I can TOTALLY think about girls “like that”. Hmm…. interesting. That part is even newer to me and I’m working on sorting it all out. Maybe that’s why Sarah and I clicked from the get-go? Maybe I just “knew”? I don’t know. That’s for another post. Both concepts- my additional discovery and more on Sarah.

So that’s a little bit about me. Wow- I said some words here that I’ve never said to about 95% of you that will read this. Eeeek. So there it is.