Jenni:
I’ve always been an anxious person. I hate large gatherings. I’ll do just about anything to avoid them, especially when I don’t know a ton of people there. I’ve never been a house party person. In college I never went to bars or out at all, really. Gotta love some social anxiety.
Oddly enough though, I’m a super bubbly person. I’m often mistaken as a huge b**** in later gatherings mostly because I have a mad case of RBF (Morgan actually asked me what was wrong yesterday and I had to explain it was just my face…lol) and I just often would rather keep to myself and wait for someone to approach me instead of doing the approaching.
Sarah always says she’d love to see me at school because I seem to be a very different person there than I am at home.
Anyways, this transition has put my anxiety into overdrive. It’s hard not letting it rub off on her. When Sarah first started going out as “Sarah”, about six months ago, or really, just confusingly androgenous, I felt like my senses were on overdrive. I was constantly in this state of protection mode. Constantly terrified that someone would say something to her or my family. Constantly thinking about what I’d say or do if they did.
As much as I teach my boys about “you be you” and “who cares what other people think”, I do. I’ll admit it. I DO care what people think but I’m not proud of that.
Everytime she goes out in something new and we “survive”, it just gets easier the next time. The first time she went out with her nails painted, I was a mess. Now, it’s nothing. She went to Comicon in a skirt for the first time. It was Comicon. At any given time there was a Wookiee standing next to us or Sailor Moon. No one looked twice. We survived. She wore Jesus sandals to breakfast on Mother’s Day. Not only did we survive, but she got recognized as a mom needs(another post). On this Hawaii trip, she’s wearing a tankini top. A few stares, but the world hasn’t ended.
At some point, someone WILL say something. It’s just going to have to be handled eloquently, especially if the kids are along. I guess we take care of that when it happens. My anxiety lessens a little bit each time we survive the next new thing.
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