When I was in middle school, I went to a small parochial school. I was with the same (small) group of students from pre-k to eighth grade. I wasn’t like most of them. I lead a very different life outside of school than most of my peers in many ways. In middle school, I had a best friend. We did everything together. We were joined at the hip for a VERY long time. I’ll never forget it. I remember exactly who would say it and everything, just like it was yesterday, out by our lockers during passing periods. “You and ____ are lesbians.” Constantly. All the time. For almost two years. Lesbians. Lesbians. LESBIANS. Was I? Maybe. At the time? No. I was just a girl with an inseparable best friend. To this day… that is the most “derogatory” word I’ve been called. Proof that words can be as dangerous as sticks and stones…. even 20+ years later.
The word “lesbian” to me just punches me in the gut probably much like the word “fag” or “dyke” could to someone else. It just makes me shudder when someone says that to me. It was only recently that I realized that my middle school experience is probably why. Up until then, I was really searching for why that word just makes me want to throw up. If someone asks me how I identify, I far more prefer the word “gay” and that is what I will say. I can barely get the L word out of my mouth and hearing Sarah wear it proudly (more power to her, she should be proud, and it’s not a derogatory word, obv) makes me shudder almost every time… but that’s MY experience. I don’t like that it’s so negative in my head.
Every year about this time, I begin to think about Minitown (an 8th grade leadership/self discovery/awareness retreat) because the application process is in full swing and there’s a buzz in the air about it. There’s an activity we do there, I won’t go into what exactly it is, because I don’t want to ruin it for anyone who goes, but… The L word comes up for me like crazy, but I can’t “use” it in the activity because in the programming, we don’t get a chance to explain. We just get a word. If I were to chose that word, I know I’d be met with a lot of questions that I wouldn’t be “allowed” to answer. My Minitown Fam might know what I’m talking about… but to me, it’s the “worst” thing I’ve ever been called, so every year I have to come up with my second choice.
I consider myself lucky that I’m 36 years old and a whole slew of “minorities” (Jewish, gay, a woman, Russian, married to a transwoman, I could go on…) and the “worst thing” I’ve been called is a lesbian, which isn’t even a bad word. Just the way it was used on me, stuck with me. Hard. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to use that word to describe myself.
That’s been weighing heavily on my mind lately as we roll into another Minitown season. The L Word.
IG: @jenniberr
FB: JenniBerr