Hi everyone. Sorry about the absence. It’s been a rather crazy few weeks. We got back from Hawaii all pumped to keep this going and I got into a little funk right in the middle of a week that I planned on making quite a few updates and it just didn’t happen. Then, my mom passed away and now that we’re done dealing with all that and we’re back home, we can get going on our journey again. So, here is a rather long catch up post from my side.
June 16th, 2016 was a big day for me.
I meant to make a post that day because that’s the day I came out to Sarah as asexual. It was the day I finally gathered my courage to say the words out loud for the very first time. We were laying in bed ready to go to sleep and I laid there for a really long time, trying to figure out how to get the words out. I realized that after the Pulse shooting, I had to live my truth out loud. I remember being terrified that she’d leave me (LOL, now). I finally got it out and it was absolutely no big deal. In fact, she was relieved that my feelings (or lack thereof) weren’t because of her. So, fast forward to my arm tattoo. There is a lot more significance to my forest inner forearm tattoo than I’ve ever let on. I’ve always been very general about the meaning, but truth is, there’s a lot more to it. The quote is, “Let the shadows fall behind you”. It’s part of an old Maori proverb (but, to be honest, it’s from a Rihanna song too). I wanted a tattoo to document the day I “put my shadows behind me” and realized nothing was “wrong” with me and I could finally move forward. I’ve used the same tattoo guy for most of my work at this point… all my arm work until now has been through him. I told him my idea, told him I wanted 38 trees on my sunset and BAM. Here we are. I don’t think I’ve ever really told many people the true meaning behind the tattoo, but there it is. 6+16+16=38, so 38 trees setting the sun on the baggage of my past and moving forward. I love dates and numbers… the pattern of 6/16/16 was perfect for me.
Going back to Minnesota as Sarah for the first time
So my family knows about Sarah being Sarah and not Sean but when my mom passed last Friday, this would be the first time they’d see her since she came out. Sarah wore a skirt to the funeral and then a denim skirt for Shiva (Jewish visitation after burial). I was so proud of her. Living her truth was no big deal and she was on her own with the boys for much of the week we were in Minnesota because I was either with my mom for the first few days until she passed or working on arrangements/cleaning/sorting after her passing. She was out around town with boys and with some friends of ours from college, who’s kids couldn’t have cared less. We love them! It went so well. Everyone referred to Sarah as “she” and in all honestly, I have to say I did more slipping up than anyone else. Whoops. Everyone agreed that she looked happier than she had in years and my great-guncles were talking about how good she looked. That made me smile. 🙂
SHE GOT HER LETTER!
When we got the call that my mom was in the final stages of her cancer battle and we needed to get home and NOW, we had about ten appointments between the four of that had to get rescheduled. Most of them were Sarah’s. Transitioning is a crazy process with about a million moving pieces that all have to work around each other. Laser hair treatments, electrolysis, hair consults (gotta love male pattern baldness!), therapist appointments, endocrinology, thrown in with just the regular eyebrows, nails, massages, haircuts! So of course, every single one of those were scheduled for the week we got called out. Turns out, that had Sarah not had to rearrange her therapist appointment, she’d have gotten her letter to start HRT (hormone replacement therapy), the icing on the cake, last week. So, this week, it was quite a surprise that she signed off on Sarah starting the official HRT!! We’re so excited! S*it’s about to get real, guys! We’re well on our way- it’s so hard to believe and I think I’m equally as excited to get this ball rolling as she is. Needless to say, we went out and celebrated Friday night! We’re hoping the Rx gets called in tomorrow so she can start right away!
I totally see a purpose in there being a ton of red tape for getting the letter to start HRT if you’re a young person under eighteen. I get that. I really do… but when you’re 34 with a family who’s supportive and you obviously are not jumping the gun and making this huge change without deep thought, I feel like there shouldn’t be so many hoops to jump through. Clearly, it’s been thought through, we have a family to consider, careers to contend with, children to worry about, this decision was not come to lightly. Of course she’s ready. Ugh. Oh well, we jumped through the hoops and here we are. She gets to start!!
Maybe I’m not as asexual as I thought?
So what’s a giant thing I’ve discovered during all of this? Maybe I’m not nearly as asexual as I thought I was! At some point over the last few months I made the startling realization that, holy crap on a cracker… I’m gay! I’ve said the words outloud to very few people- but I’m not denying it any longer. I have lots of theories as to why it “took me so long” to figure this out, but *ding* it all makes SO much sense in retrospect. SO. MUCH. SENSE. Sarah is the first person that I’ve been with that I am 100% comfortable with and don’t feel like I have to be someone else. Not that I was “really” someone else before, but… well, I don’t know. It’s hard to put in writing. Looking back and thinking back, I just can’t help myself from going, “HOW IN THE WORLD DID I NOT KNOW!” but, I think I always did but for some reason had to bury it down. I have a few theories as to why, but they’re not for here, or at least not right now. Let me tell you… I thought it was freeing before to think I was out (well, kinda) as asexual, but goodness… I feel like nothing can get me down now. It’s all out in the open and I can honestly say, for the first time… I’m me. Here I am. I don’t know how I got to 34 without figuring that out, but as it turns out, I’m not alone and as it turns out, I know quite a few people who also figured it out in their thirties. Life is weird, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Our boys are so excited to tell everyone at school they have two moms. Ha. I love them and their openmindedness.
Alright everyone, we’ll try not to go so long between posts. There’s a lot of fun coming up!!! Thanks for reading and for all of the amazing support. We love you guys so much!!
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