So I have had allergies forever. To pretty much any animal on the planet earth. It started slowly in high school. Went to a farm and left at the end of the day a little sneezy. Then I went away to college and it didn’t really affect me. Every now and then I would go to someone’s house that had a pet and I would start to notice. As the years passed though it got worse and worse. Especially during the holidays. Everyone in my family has pets. So when we all get together there would be like 6 dogs. Used to be I would just take allergy meds the day before and be fine. Then I had to start taking them more often. Then I took them around the clock all year. Then I started still being affected even with the meds. It got so bad that one 4th of July I had to leave early. We had been at my parents house for less than 12 hours. I was on 3 different allergy meds, and literally dying. That was when I started going to an allergist. I am now 100% allergy free. It wasn’t until after I had controlled the allergies that I realized how much they had been affecting my life. I had just gotten used to it. Taking the meds that made me drowsy, ensuring there was a box of tissues in every room of my house and each car, and suffering through family get togethers with runny eyes and sinus pressure. It started so slowly, and got worse so incrementally that I didn’t notice. I just dealt with it. I never really questioned it. It was life. I had allergies, I got over it.
It was like I had this weight that I was carrying around, but was carrying it for so long that I didn’t know it was there. It started as a pebble in my pocket. Not noticeable. Then slowly it got bigger, and bigger, year after year. You just learned to live with it, and didn’t even notice it was there. I end up with a bolder behind me chained to my leg, and I just went on with life. Until it suddenly wasn’t there anymore. I went to the allergist and overnight the bolder was gone. I went to start walking, and surprisingly found myself running. I had gotten used to putting extra effort into just walking with the bolder, that without it I found myself flying forward. I was elated, and exhilarated! Just to be walking!
So I was walking through a hallway at work the other day, and I noticed that I was walking straighter, with my chin held high. I was meeting people in the eye as they walked by. I had a smile on my face. I noticed I am a lot happier in general these days. I have more energy.
It then started to dawn on me that finally being out, being 100% myself 100% of the time, being ME, has lifted the largest weight from me, that I didn’t know I had.
It has been a part of me since middle school. It started small. There are so many insecurities we have as we start puberty in middle school. This was just another one. I just learned to live with it. Kept it secret, kept it hidden. Denied what it was. The weight grew. Slowly, little bit by little bit. You don’t notice it.
Until it’s gone.
I am not sure I can really describe how it feels. The world has more color these days. Small annoyances and minor inconveniences don’t bother me as much as they used to. I’m not as tired all the time. I am excited about life like I used to be as a young adult with no responsibilities. I don’t dread going into work on a daily basis.. My job hasn’t changed, just my outlook and approach have.
That doesn’t mean I don’t still have my bad days, or don’t face challenges. I still have my highs and lows. The average is just higher. I can shrug off the bad days easier than I used to. I bounce back quicker than I did when I was carrying around that huge weight.
I am scared with all the political shit going on right now. There are some scary, and downright deadly, scenarios in the world for LGBTQ+ people, not to mention the direction our own country seems to be going in at the moment. It gets me down. I am worried.
But…
I am more ready to face those challenges. As well as all the personal ones I am still facing. It is a lot easier to meet those challenges head on when I am not carrying around this massive weight.
It was the most difficult thing in my life to come out and accept who I was to myself, and then come out to the world. Now that I have though, I am a happier and more well rounded person because of it. I can’t wait to start the next chapters of life.
